I Kissed A Squirrel
by aflaskj
Summary: Everyone gets high on cactus juice, and Katara is not an exception.


**So someone asked me to put this one up... someone that happened to be my co-author… so she didn't have to ask me but I was taking my time. **

**I don't remember what I should warn you about...but I'll just tell you this: IT'S GOING TO GET CRAAAAZY. **

**(And I'm sorry if the characters are OOC...I can't write Zuko, Katara...okay fine basically EVERYONE but I still tried...PLEASE tell me if they actually DO stay in character...ENJOY!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender. If I did, people would be worshipping me and not Bryke. **

"You're holding it wrong."

"No, I'm not! I'm holding it the exact way I was holding it before!"

"Yeah, but this time I want you to hold it with _two_ fingers—not just the palms of your hands."

"Okay, Sifu Hotman."

"I thought I told you not to call me that! I don't call you _The Avatar_ anymore!"

"But calling you a Sifu is a sign of respect…"

"Can you guys just shut your air holes and finish your lesson please? Some of us like picking their toenails in quiet."

Toph was sitting down on the floor, reclining her back against a pillar. Dirt clung to her feet like static sticks to fabric as she continued picking her toenails.

"Is picking your toenails an art, Toph?" Zuko asked her sarcastically. He and Aang were fighting _again_ over firebending lessons and it was annoying the hogmonkeys out of all the teens.

"Is stomping around an art?"

"It is _not stomping! _It's a great firebending move."

"Feels like stomping to me," Toph replied nonchalantly, now picking her fingernails of the dirt from her toenails.

"You guys need to loosen up." Aang sighed and sat on a rock next to Toph, arms hung limply between his legs. "I'm never going to totally master firebending if all we do is bicker and fight."

"But that's what firebending is _all_ about! Fighting with murderous inten—"

"_SHUT UP, SOKKA_."

Sokka was stepping into the facility with a bag slung over his shoulder. His smirk reached his ears as he delighted in teasing a fuming Zuko.

"You know what? I think Aang is right. You guys _do_ need to loosen up!" Sokka exclaimed as he now cradled the bag in his arms.

"What's in the bag?" Aang asked.

"Nothing…just something I discovered while exploring."

"Katara would have a fit if she knew you were exploring in the forest again."

"She's not here though, I sent her off on a _mission_."

"What?" Toph said, now fully alert. "You sent her on a mission? What about me? I'm so bored in this dusty air temple!"

Aang gave her a small reproving look—not that she could see it. "What kind of mission, Sokka?"

"Well…it was not anything really…I just didn't want her here to spoil our… _fun._"

Zuko and Aang raised an eyebrow while Toph grinned.

"Okay, if it is something Katara wouldn't want I don't think we should do it…"

"Hold it, Twinkletoes! She did not want us scheming around before to get money yet that did not stop us, did it?"

"Yeah but don't you remember what happened?" Zuko said smugly. "You and Katara were _jailed._"

"Yeah, jailed by Zuko's best buddy."

"Sokka! He wasn't my buddy!"

"Combustion Man must have told you what happened because you weren't there and buddies tell each other things so therefore he MUST have been your buddy!"

"I told him, Sokka."

"…why must you tell him our failures, Aang? Why?"

"Can we just cut to the chase and find out what's in the bag?" Toph rudely interrupted.

"But how did—"

"You placed it on the ground, Snoozles."

"Right…" Sokka opened the bag and pulled out a green, prickly plant. "See? Fun!"

"No…"

"Oh, right, sorry Toph. It's a cactus!"

Zuko's eyes widened, Aang looked confused, and Toph started laughing madly.

"What are you laughing for Toph? You haven't had any yet!" Sokka said as he began cutting the top of the cactus with his boomerang. After that, he poured the cactus juice into several cups. "Now, who wants to go see if Haru, The Duke, and Teo want any?"

"Oh, man! This is going to be _sweet_." Toph folded her arms across her chest and kept laughing.

Aang just scratched his bald head. "But…what does a cactus—"

"I can't believe you Sokka! Where did you find a cactus in a _forest_?" Zuko exclaimed.

Sokka shrugged and bopped his boomerang lightly on Aang's head. "Gunna have some Aang?" He lifted a cup and offered it to Aang, a smile playing on his mouth.

Aang's face brightened as he was about to accept the cup from Sokka. "Sure—"

"No! Sokka, don't give it to him!" Zuko shouted, his fists in balls.

"Why not? What's wrong with it, Zuko? Toph? _Sokka?_" Aang asked. The smell of the juice's aroma from the cup was enough to make his mouth water.

Zuko was about to tell him when Sokka shoved him out of the way and said with a slur, "Nothing! It's the quenchiest!" Sokka already had downed his cup and was about to grab the cactus for more when Zuko got in front of him. "Give it to me!"

Zuko grabbed the cactus, biting his lip in pain as some of the thorns pricked his hands and said, "No way! You've already had enough!"

Sokka tackled Zuko on the ground, sending them both into a mound of fists, feet, and yammers. Teo wheeled onto the scene with Haru and The Duke closely behind. "Uh…what's going on?" Teo asked.

"HELP…ME!" Zuko called out from the fight as he dodged Sokka's punch to the gut, cactus in hand above his head as Sokka tried to swipe at it. Zuko looked to Aang to see if he would help.

He was too busy drinking the cactus juice to notice.

"TOPH! HELP! HEL-OW!" Zuko cried out in pain as Sokka bopped him in the head with his boomerang. The cactus rolled away, spilling juice on the ground. Sokka leaped for it, tongue sticking out of his mouth and eyes red. His cup was inches away from the liquidy goodness when Toph's foot stepped into view and pushed his cup away.

"Sorry, Snoozles…the cactus is mine!" She picked the whole thing up, surprisingly not even staggering under the weight, as it was as big as her body. She smirked and held it out in front of her, ebulliently taunting Sokka—his eyes nodding to wherever Toph brought the cactus to. "Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone nodded except for Aang and Zuko who were knocked out for different reasons.

"Good. I'll dispose of the evidence of our _fun_ before Sugar Queen arri—" Toph stopped talking as she felt foot steps coming to the temple. "Oh no! Katara is coming! Hide the bodies!"

Teo's eyes widened in shock.

Toph, feeling his heart beat race, said, "No, they are not dead and we didn't kill them! But Katara doesn't know that! _Hide them!_" She turned around and made a hole in the ground to hide the cactus.

Haru picked up Aang, his body gestures fretting in where to hide the airbender. The Duke and Teo managed to drag Zuko behind a column in the wall.

Toph was finished disposing of the cactus and used her earthbending to bend Sokka into a normal leaning position (instead of the picture of a desperate, insane man begging for a drink Sokka had once been of) against a different pillar, hiding his view from anyone unless they went past Toph. She herself sat on the ground and started picking her toenails again.

"Sokka, I found Momo…and he was NOT dying of poisoning!" Katara's voice rang out through the temple.

"Uh oh! Quick! Hide Aang's body Haru!" The Duke quickly whispered to Haru.

Just before Katara was within enough sight to figure out what was going on, Haru tossed Aang behind a boulder, nervously smiling while inside he was apologizing to Aang for throwing him.

"Sokka! Sok- Oh, hey Toph! Where are Aang and Zuko?" Katara said as she walked into the temple, Momo settling on her shoulder.

"They're practicing." Toph was now picking her nose.

"They're still practicing? It's already dark! And we need Zuko to light a fire before we cannot see anything." Katara put Momo down and spotted the cups. She began to walk towards them when Haru shrieked.

"Uh, Katara…you don't want any of that…."

"Uh…why not, Haru?" Katara narrowed her eyes at him, hand hovering over a cup.

"Because…you are not really thirsty…it's just an illusion!" The Duke answered for him, Haru sighed with relief.

"Haha. But I actually _am_ thirsty. Sokka made me look all over for Momo, telling me he thought he heard him screeching in agony…the idiot!" Katara exclaimed and grabbed the cup and took a long sip of it.

At that moment, everything went in slow motion.

Haru was suppressing an urge to say "NOOO!", Teo started wheeling away, The Duke ran behind the pillar Toph's back was against, and Toph started laughing maniacally again much to Zuko's disdain as he started waking up (it sounded like another horror dream to him).

"What's so funny?" Katara asked, sheepishly putting down the cup. Her eyes then, clicking with realization, broadened in horror. "Did you guys put something in that drink?"

Toph, not a guilty bone in her body at the moment, replied with, "No, but Sokka did!"

Katara's eyes dilated, her hands started quivering, and her mouth curled into a grin. "I'm gunna…I'm gunna…get him!" She started walking drunkenly toward Toph. "Where is he? TELL ME LITTLE GIRL!" She grabbed Toph's shoulders and shook them, Toph laughing in her face.

"He's right there, Sugar Queen," Toph said, pointing her finger to the pillar Sokka was next to.

"S-Sokka!" Katara stumbled over to him. Sokka had drool coming down his mouth, he turned his head to look at her.

"You're not Dad! Did the evil ladies take him?" Sokka shouted, now stumbling over to Katara. "In fact—" Sokka grabbed hold of his boomerang, "—you are probably ONE OF THEM!"

"No, I'm not! I'm optimistic!" Katara protested as Sokka charged at her.

Zuko took this moment to intervene.

But he himself was still not right in the head after the major concussion he received from Sokka's boomerang skills.

"HOLD IT! I can't let you two get away with drunk fighting!" Zuko shouted as he stepped in between them, arms spread out to separated the distance between himself, Katara, and Sokka. When Sokka stopped charging and Katara stopped screaming pointless requests Zuko put his index and middle finger together to light up a flame. He picked up some dirt from the ground and brought his flame close to it so it barely touched it. "If anyone tries to hurt each other, you're all going down with me."

Everything quieted. Even Momo stopped licking his...tenders.

But the silence was broken, which is to be expected with Toph around.

Toph started laughing, grabbing her stomach with her arm to keep from doubling over. "You think you have a _bomb_ Sparky? Oh no! Run for cover guys!"

Zuko looked down at the dirt in his hand then slowly looked at Toph. "Oh."

He fainted. And fell on top of Momo. Momo screeched, but came out from under him unharmed. This was all lost on Katara and Sokka though.

Katara screamed bloody murder. "OH NO! YOU WERE RIGHT SOKKA! MOMO _IS _DYING!"

Sokka started crying and fell on his knees. "I'll just ask the fluffy mountain for help!"

Appa was nowhere to be seen though. He was probably sleeping somewhere. But unfortunately, this made Sokka cry harder. "No! HE'S NOT HERE!"

Momo sneezed, which made Sokka gasp in terror. "HE'S CHOKING TO DEATH!"

Momo started rolling on the ground to relieve his itchy back.

"And now he's _gasping for air!" _Sokka cried. He crawled to Katara and grabbed her leg. "DO SOMETHING!"

Katara did something she would probably (and hopefully) have never done if she were sober. She got down on her knees (after shaking Sokka away) next to Momo and pressed her mouth to his.

Momo licked her in response.

Which pretty much sobered her.

"WAIT! KATARA, HE MIGHT HAVE PENTAPOX!" Sokka screeched and grabbed Katara's arm.

An awful, blood-curdling yell was heard throughout the air temple.

"EWWWWWWWWWW!" Katara stood up and started wiping desperately at her mouth and tongue; resorting to waterbending Momo's saliva from his soft, little lick off of her.

Toph sighed, her eyes dancing in amusement. "Well, I guess that was the proper ending to our fun…."

**~fin~**

**I'm sorry if I just disturbed you for life. I truly am. -bows FN style-**


End file.
